Gumdale - Shiraz @@@@ (4 corks)

Retails: $8.99 (Total Wine)

The divorce became final last Tuesday and I couldn't be more relieved. Despite some (predictable) drama from the ex in the courtroom (door slammed in face, are we surprised?) the proceeding was over within 5 minutes. I wish I could say I immediately felt as if I had returned to a normal life, but I'm still adjusting. I am fine, better than fine, I am strong, stronger than I ever thought I was. But still, there's an enormous amount of adjustment.
Curious though, you'd think in this day and age, the novelty of a women's filing for divorce from her husband wouldn't be met with such absolute shock. Even the judge assumed that he must have filed, a quizzical look traced his face when my ex piped up that "No! This was her decision!" And even after that awkwardness was settled, there was still the consoling "oh, you elected to handle finances outside of court, was the outcome agreeable for you?" Agreeable for me? As the higher earner shouldn't you be asking that of him? But sure, you're right, it's safe to assume that I would be the one navigating dire financial straights after a divorce, what with being a woman and all. Of COURSE I would be a) destitute or b) money hungry enough to demand a financial settlement from my ex. OK... I realize I am probably reading too much into things but it's hard to ignore the undertones of patriarchal surprise when one discovers that not only did I file and pay for the whole darn circus but I also had the bright idea of obtaining a prenup. Awesome high-fives aside, there's something still wrong with the fact that more women aren't taking this kind of control over their (financial) destinies.
One of the first lessons I learned in my Women of Financial Independence seminar at Smith was to a) begin contributing towards retirement as soon as you're employed and b) never let go of 100% of your finances in marriage, you have earned this money and you are entitled to keep some of it and in fact, it's advisable to do so for this and other reasons (widowhood, independence, sanity). Not just women, men, too, should take this into consideration. A marriage is pure devotion, absolutely, but was a wise friend once said --- it should be 1+1 makes 3, individually you are awesome people and you come together to create an awesome unity of people. Why shouldn't you maintain some independence? What's wrong with that? Isn't your independent self what the other person found attractive initially anyhow?
Alright, getting off my high-horse now, let's talk wine. Gumdale's selection of wines have yet to truly disappoint. They are exceptionally priced and usually deliver a predictably solid bottle of wine. This shiraz is no exception. Full-bodied, it packs a complex variety of flavors---loads of berry and cherry with hints of chocolate. Very little dryness which allows for it to be easily drinkable to a multitude of wine drinkers. I could easily see this being a good option as the red for a dinner party.
Enjoy. Contemplate. Above all, rejoice in your identity of self --- I'm now starting to rediscover my own.

Purple Cowboy - Cabernet Sauvignon @@@@ (4 corks)

Retails: $10.99 (Target)

And so, the tide recedes.

To say that I've had an eventful past seven months is an epic understatement.

In between my last entry and now there have undoubtedly been innumerable pleasurable bottles of wine, many of which were consumed during a time of enormous heartache, difficulty, disappointment, confusion, and utter life questioning, sleepless nights. If it had not been for good friends and family who build my solid foundation, and a resolve to not become another defeated person (woman), I'm sure I would not have consumed, but would have been consumed.

Before I delve too deeply into the details, first, the wine.

I came across this little beauty while in one of my absolute favorite guilty pleasures--Super Target, (the "super" being superfluous since ALL Target is super in my opinion...I digress). The descriptive label boasted of both cherry and cola flavors -- cola? So, in essence, we're comparing this Cabernet Sauvignon to cherry coke --- needless to say, sheer curiosity overtook any logic behind my buying power, and I immediately placed the bottle in my red cart.

The smell does have a certain Robitussen familiarity about it. I mean that in the absolute best way. In the same manner in which Robitussen cough syrup is cherry-esque, I would say this wine embodies the same quality. It's not sweet but there's a stone fruit palatable bitterness about it. There's almost a hint of eucalyptus vapor, probably adding to the cough syrup resemblance. It's a difficult wine to describe, my one critiques is that the dryness can be a bit overpowering. This is a completely full-bodied wine, definitely not for the faint of heart. If you're brave enough to follow-through, you'll find a beautiful blackberry flavor lingers on your tongue, inviting you back for more. Intriguing, complicated, absolute perfection for this moment.

Back in December, the final nail was hammered into the coffin of my marriage. After a long thirteen months, after enduring yet another brutal fight, I finally found the courage to admit to myself, to my ex-husband, and to the world, that I couldn't stand to live another miserable day feeling "less than."

I've spent an inordinate amount of my young adult life feeling less than. One failed relationship after another, I've frequently been made to feel less than, and when I chose to get married, I felt I had finally escaped the cycle. I worked hard, harder than I've ever worked at anything to resolve difficult situations and cultivate a sense of ease but more importantly, a sense of love in the home I had created.

But, as one of my favorite Wilco songs simplistically says in the most articulate of ways, "I thought that if I held you tightly, you would always love me like you did back then," suddenly became the absolute truth. It became clear that this person's anger and rage towards me were never going to cease. The name calling, the hurtful words were only going to get worse and more painful. I was paying the price for someone else's mistakes.

Perhaps, after many, many years, these kinds of troubles can be resolved in a marriage, but within the first year, coupled with all of the other difficulties, I felt as if I were barely surviving as it was. I couldn't sleep, my entire immune system was incapable of functioning properly. The stress was literally killing me slowly. And for what? At the end of the day, I didn't even have a partner, I had a roommate who lived down the hall who I slowly felt less and less for until I finally felt absolutely nothing at all.

It took a long time for me to finally find the courage to end it before it would end me. I was afraid of what people would say --- shocking, I know. Many of my closest friends were entering parenthood or blissfully newlywed, how could they understand? Then, of course, there's the sting of the divorce stigma -- and after only thirteen months?! The horror! Somehow, I felt guilty that I couldn't handle the "pressures of being married." I had somehow convinced myself that what I was going through was completely normal---but is walking on eggshells out of fear around the one who's supposed to love you most, normal?

Probably the most difficult thing to come to terms with in the whole situation was the fact that I truly wanted to be married. I've wanted nothing more my entire life than to have my own family and feel the security of having a home full of people who love you and whom I love -- no matter what. I felt like a complete failure for not being able to resolve all the problems and make the situation work.

I moved out just before the holidays, my stuff lay in purgatory between my old home, my parents' condo and storage. I spent Christmas and New Years Day alone--and if it weren't for a couple of amazing friends, I would have also spent the two Eves' alone, too. Thankfully, work was amazingly busy so I was able to fully dive into this distraction.

That is, until I got laid off.

Yes, just after the holidays, I got laid off--I couldn't have been more devastated. Not only had I in the New Year, moved into a new apartment specifically chosen for its proximity to work, but I also had worked the holidays rather than going home and grieving my loss. My marriage had failed and I had failed at the only real job I had ever had. The kind of hell I fell into is indescribable. "It's a fresh start," literally everyone I know, said. Yes, I would agree, but nothing could have prepared me for losing absolutely every part of my past life. My divorce might have been my decision, but it was nevertheless a complete destruction of the person I had become. My getting laid off was the last piece of my former life to part with. Perhaps it hit me worse only because it wasn't at all on my own terms.

Luckily, during this difficult time, I found solace in a new found hobby --- no, not drinking an extraordinary amount of wine or other liquor---but, I began, for the first time ever, distance running. The one stroke of good luck I had in January, brought me in as a last-minute fill-in for a runner on a relay team in the Ragnar relay series. Running 200 miles in a 36 hour period from Miami to Key West, our team of 12 conquered an incredible feat at the start of the new year. If it weren't for this experience, the friends I made doing this and the new-found hobby, I'm fairly certain I wouldn't have caught the next wave--

I'm a big believer that we are all floating in a giant body of water, waves come along and pick us up, carry us for a while, the energy coming ever-closer to entropy...to slowly end at shore, or die abruptly in the waters...only to be carried into another wave that will lead us further into The Journey.

So, after my whirlwind adventure running the relay, after getting laid off -- my luck finally began to change.

Out of nowhere, my former employer called to re-hire me. Under better terms (and salary), I hopped back on-board doing what I've been doing -- and actually feeling appreciated for the kind of effort I bring to the job at hand.

Out of nowhere, a former love is slowly becoming a new love all over again. Organically. That's probably the most exciting thing, the prospect of starting all over again, all over again, with someone who during "round one" (as I affectionately call it), I was pretty damn convinced was the one I'd end up with -- if it weren't for a bunch of outside circumstances (distance, too much travel, burgeoning careers, life). And I would have been lucky to have ended up with him.

As he so eloquently put -- "right bus, right seat, wrong time" -- couldn't agree more and I absolutely cannot wait to see where this bus (wave) will take me this time.

Buffalo Grove - Cabernet Sauvignon @@ (2 corks)

Retails: $8.99 ($12.99 1.5 L)

I'm in a funk.

I'm not sure if it's the workplace, a case of the dulldrums, a looming birthdate, babyfever, lack of friends, lack of funds, missing people, lack of creativity, or a simple case of the blahs...or a combination of all of the above (shit).

...and like a good blogger, I reached for a bottle that ALSO turned out to be shit. Great! To make matters worse, I started on this ranting blog and my computer completely rebooted without warning further leading me to believe that I've stumbled on some seriously bad mojo...or something.

Either way, unlike the red zinfandel from this same label, this Cab is awful. It's drinkable but that may be entirely based on my desperation.

So, what's a gal to do when in an unexplained funk? Well, for me, it involves my husband politely leaving me to my mood while I watch old episodes of Sex and the City snuggled up with my dog, Roxy, who celebrates her fifth birthday tomorrow.

Yes, friends, I'm one of those crazy dog ladies. Fully committed and unapologetic, my dog is amazing and yes, she is the namesake from which this blog derives its name. You see, Roxy Cape was the fake name I gave out at bars in college (along with a fake number that led fools to my alma matter's automated daily menu, the "to eat" line...yes, I'm that kind of clever.)

Roxy seemed like a wonderfully ironic name for my puppy who I truly believe chose me--I've never had a dog before, my family's more feline-oriented.

I was on my way to a haircut and happened upon a puppy shop (clearly puppy mill puppies but, you know, fuzzy!) I had been in the market but not super motivated to look. I came upon a pen of adorable puppies when a little black, furry puppy who studied me curiously with an air of, "have we met?"

Needless to say, after my hair appointment, I hurriedly ran back to the shop and snatched her up before the shop closed. I thank my puppy for getting me out of the worst relationship of my life and eventually guiding me to meet my husband --- no, really, we met at the dog park it doesn't get any more blatant than that.

As I turned on the television to begin my Sex and the City marathon this evening, she snuggled up on my lap giving me the look of -- "this again? What's wrong now? Pour yourself a cocktail--it's necessary sometimes, lady-- forget this wine, scratch your dog behind the ears, you'll be fine in an hour." Sometimes my dog really is my best friend (or my unorthodox therapist?)

Either way, Roxy my dear, Happy 5th birthday. You are my little furry soulmate.

Fish Eye - Cabernet Sauvignon @@@ (3 Corks)

Retails: $9.33 (Per 1.5 L, Total Wine)


Another inexpensive Australian brand, Fish Eye's Cabernet Sauvignon doesn't deliver as fully as some of its other Aussie competitors. However, for the price, this would be a well-received wine to serve for a large group gathering --- especially since the 1.5L are STILL under $10 themselves.

The flavors are pretty overpowering, plenty of oak and tannins, not much complexity in flavor. However, where other "bulk" wines of similar price points provide a flat, flavorless glass, this one definitely packs a punch. It bursts into your mouth with a demanding presence, "I am RED WINE, (bitches)."

For those of us who do enjoy a robust red, this is certainly preferable to the generic, watered-down, bargain variety red. I wouldn't pair this with a delicate meal, it requires equally commanding foods to hold up against its rich flavors. Wine and cheese, totally fine, garden salad, not so much.

Cupcake Vineyards - Red Velvet @@@@ (4 corks)

Retails: $8.99 (Total Wine)

Life has a *charming* way of throwing gas on the fire just when the flame has smoldered to coals, doesn't it?

Luckily, we have wine.

As rich as a mouthful of caramel centered milk chocolates, Cupcake Vineyard's "Red Velvet" wine delivers on decadence. I do find it a bit too overpowering for everyday drinking or when accompanying a meal, but it is delicious all on its own.

For people (like me) who are not particularly keen on sweet dessert wine, this is a welcome substitute. It holds up well on its own, with rich berry and cherry flavors and very little dryness. I would consider pairing it with a dessert or with light appetizers. I could absolutely see this being served at a wine bar to welcoming palates.

The last six months have proven that you can never be certain what's around the bend. I'm a tried and true over-analyzer and no matter how hard I try and predict the outcome of different situations, I'm always pretty surprised. I'm an "organizer" by career and mentality, and it drives me crazy when things don't go according to plan. It's not that I'm uptight per se, but I do enjoy a certain amount of predictability in the assorted variables that can transpire from day to day. In my moments of shear frustration, my husband will quip, "Well, isn't this life?"

Nothing has prepared me for what life has thrown my way as of late -- kids, marriage, new career, custody battles, merging career, additional work, financial woes, a move, a new pet, significant weight loss, unexpected blessings, a million weddings and babies to celebrate...

To provide each individual variable with the appropriate amount of attention and response has proved mind numbing. Maybe it's just me, but I'm not accustomed to change all at one time. I'm someone who almost requires a waiting period between significant events, but, as life has shown, that isn't always an option or possibility.

It also doesn't help that when I get my mind wrapped around a particular endeavor I can't help but try and accomplish it immediately (see: moving), thankfully my husband is exactly the same way. We may not have the majority of things in common, but we can absolutely agree on accomplishing a common goal as soon as is humanly possible. (re: neurosis).

After all of this, all I can say is, THANK GOD for wine!

Yellowtail - Shiraz-Cabernet @@@ (3 corks)

Retails: $6.99 (Wal-Mart)

I'm apologizing in advance for the severe lack of posts over the past 4 MONTHS. Holy crap, where did the time go ?

Thankfully, this week, my HUSBAND and I (yes, it's still fun to say 4 months later), have been awarded a kid-free week, thereby affording me some free time with which to reconnect with my beloved wine blog. You see, in this period of adjustment between having the kids full-time, getting married, going on a honeymoon, moving, the holidays, work shenanigans and, um, LIFE in general, there has been little time for the blog. Sorry, blog, won't happen again.

To the wine!

Yellowtail is one of the inexpensive Australian brands that I have woefully neglected in the past couple of years. It's not because I don't have a love for the Yellowtail, I think I just equated it with, if there is such a thing, a wine cliche. You see, back when I first began drinking wine (legally) during senior year of college, every Thursday evening after classes, the members of my "house" at Smith College would get together, drink wine and eat cheese. Yes, I realize that living in a dormitory called a "house" at a women's college and drinking wine and eating cheese are all rather elitist cliches in and of themselves. But, please, allow me to continue the story...

So, every Thursday, a different set of girls would be responsible for the wine and cheese. Given that all of us were fully enrolled in college and um, broke, Yellowtail was a frequent guest at our Thursday evening soirees. Perhaps, you could say, I had been a little tired of Yellowtail and avoided it in order to regain an appreciation for it. Yellowtail is predictably affordable and predictably good. Definitely a solid staple-wine to have around for the unexpected visitors or after work relax-o-glass (yes, I'm coining that term).

Full-bodied, definitely requires ample time to breathe to achieve its full potential. The Shiraz-Cabernet blend exhibits characteristics of both grapes, fruit flavors from the Shiraz, hearty oak and tannins from the Cabernet. Plenty of flavor and a nice dry finish make this Yellowtail blend a solid red wine.

So, friends, my apologies again for the lack of updates and wine critiques, but I've been a tad busy you could say what with the kids moving in, court battles, moving into a house, the holidays, the crazy production schedule at work and well, the um...

Casella Mallee Point - Chardonnay 2009 @@@@ (4 Corks)

Retails: $7.99 (Total Wine)

Chardonnay has become a new favorite. It has managed to diminish my cynicism towards white wines with its crisp yet buttery, fruitful flavors. This Australian white is no exception, beautifully composed with nuanced flavors that shift from buttery, honey, to apple-tart and very light acidity. It's the perfect compliment to this evenings' existential musings.

To set the scene:

I'm home with the kids after a hell-acious week, that, aside from being strenuous on the work-front, has been intensifying on the home-front due to an escalating custody battle brewing---I'll spare you the details, but in essence, it can be boiled down to a lack of cooperation on the opposing party's side to the extent that we had to hire legal council to remedy the situation. Yes, three weeks before my wedding, this is the kind of egregious battle I'm still having to fight. But, we press on. My fiance is enjoying his bachelor party out with his sister (best man, yes we're not traditional), and I'm home, drinking a bottle of Chardonnay while the kids drift into what will hopefully be a restful slumber and I work on some last-minute wedding details, which led me to the following...

My parents sent me a disc of old photographs of my relatives -- many of whom passed away ages ago. I teared up over the people I didn't have enough time with, or had no time with at all. The photographs of my grandmother who passed away from breast cancer when I was a small child; my great grandparents whom I never had the chance to meet; my mother's father who exists as a mix of small clips and snaps in my memory due to the illness that kept him distant; my three Great Aunts, the last of whom just recently passed in body, but whose mind had long been taken by Alzheimer's. (the photo includes, from left to right, my Grandfather, aforementioned Grandmother and Aunt, and Uncle during WWII)

I have always lived far away from my family. I realize it's not abnormal for people to have grown up far away from their families' roots -- to be displaced from the people who have handed down legacy, heirlooms, traditions, secrets. My folks come from absolute opposite ends of North America -- my mother, a native to Quebec, Canada with a giant, true-blooded, Catholic French-Canadian family. My father, a son of the Deep South (Gainesville, Georgia).

We had our tiny, bi-lingual family nestled in the suburb of Cape Elizabeth, Maine--the compromise after my parents married -- moving my mother into the USA but close enough to drive home.

Every vacation, we made the trek to either end of the continent to visit family. It wasn't that we didn't make the effort to maintain family ties, but the distance, the distance made me feel completely alien to either halves. I was the only New England-er. For the most part, I hardly gave it a second thought, this was just expected for being so far away.

There are coping mechanisms, of course, when your family is so far away, your friends really do become your family and for that, I am truly fortunate.

The whole notion of Family. Legacy. Heritage. Tradition. have really hit me now, at the three week mark before my wedding.

I've been completely blown away by how many relatives I haven't seen in years have written, I mean hand written, me messages of wishes and hope in addition to making the journey to me, here in Florida for my wedding. Perhaps I've been unnecessarily withdrawn from either side, either way I'm so moved by the response.

As I was "thumbing" through the photographs on my computer, I just became overwhelmed by the legacy, the tradition that I am apart of, but never felt apart of...but I'm really starting to.