A Follow-up...

Thank you, to all of you, who have commented, posted words of strength and support over the last 24 hours. Unfortunately, I do not bring you any positive news today other than the courage your words have bestowed upon me.

I woke today with a mask over my face. A giant, heavy, leaded mask burdened my brow and lay heavy over my eyes, fogging me. I ran through the motions of Tuesday's routine, in perpetual motion, and found myself completely weighed down, as if my face were painfully contorted and yet, no emotion had painted a path. Normally, I'm an open book, but with situations like this I'm never forthcoming with information. There's something about situations like these that it feels wrong to be getting attention. However, I don't have a poker face, and all day I could tell co-workers were searching for answers to the questions my body was expressing.

I read energies very easily and being surrounded by the intense emotions and spirits swarming inside hospitals and nursing homes overwhelms me. I've almost fainted before visiting somebody else's relative in the hospital, let alone my own. Being the closest blood relative to my Grandfather, I felt obligated to make sure he was well taken care of. Part of why I moved to Florida was to get to know him better. Growing up, we never saw each other very often but he was still a very important character in my life for many reasons.

I learned yesterday that he had been moved from his assisted living residence to the nursing home facility at his retirement community. It felt uncomfortably warm. The faux wood flooring and mismatched furniture were obvious attempts to create a more "home-y" atmosphere but still failed to create the same comfort of home. The din of old, console televisions turned-up too loud filled the hallways. My grandfather, always a stoic, proud person, lay in a disjointed pile on the bed, nervously pushing against the blankets with his feet. He could speak in mumbles, as if his mouth were filled with marbles. At first, he seemed uncomfortable with us being there, like he was embarrassed that I was seeing him in such a fragile state. He seemed confused. He knew who I was but didn't recognize my fiance. He kept making references to how quickly we had "made the trip from Maine," even though I've lived around the corner from him for four years now.

What do you say to someone in that kind of condition? He's never been the warm-fuzzy grandfather, he's always approached us in a more adult manner. Our relationship mainly developed when I moved to Florida after college so I missed all that granddaughter-grandfather bonding time. I respect him. The primetime-gushy-bedside-meaningful-confessions one does in these situations (OK, I'm assuming here) didn't feel appropriate. I couldn't find words to get around my awkwardness, I felt blatantly transparent. All I could do was watch a re-run of "Deal or No Deal" on a fuzzy, ancient TV. Doing something against the grain feels like walking backwards: unbalanced, uncertain and unnatural.